black&white extremes

"When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing And the rising pressure makes it hard to..."

Tue, 14 May 2013 21:47:08 -0400

“When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing
And the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe
When all I need’s a hand to stop the tears from falling
I will find him, I’ll find him next to me”

- Next to Me
[Emeli Sande]

You will find him - you'll find him next to me.

Tue, 14 May 2013 21:43:00 -0400

Me: Hey, this is probably a long shot, are you doing anything during the next couple hours?
Him: Yeah, golfing! Why, what's up?
Me: Oh, it's not a big deal. I'm just having one of my not-great days and my friends are working or in school. I just don't really like being alone when I feel this way so I figured I'd see if you were around. But it's okay, that sounds like fun:-)
Him: Aw, I wish I was there, I'd definitely hang out...hope you feel better! :)

I waited - I did.

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 22:55:00 -0400

I waited for your call, but it didn’t come. And I wasn’t mad, not even upset really - I felt better after texting with you briefly this morning. You’d acknowledged your disappearance, and you said you were all right.

And finally, tonight, you text me:
“You’re mad.”
Then your next text:
“I forgot to call you….”

But that’s exactly where you’re wrong. Yes, I noticed that you forgot. Yes, I wanted to talk to you. But you acknowledged that you’d forgotten - that’s what’s important to me. I don’t expect you to be perfect, I don’t expect you to always remember, all of the time.

I just need the reassurance, because I go insane. I always do with everything these days. And the worst part is…I know it.

The only thing worse than being insane, is knowing you’re insane - because you know it, but you can’t stop it, even though you know it’s unwarranted and irrational.

You want so much to be normal, but you just can’t figure out how.

And so I don’t get angry with you; in fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever been angry with you. The only anger I’ve ever felt directed toward you, was anger that I put in the place of insecurity and fear.
Because it’s easier to feel angry than afraid. Anger has control, fear does not - fear is vulnerable.

I don’t like to feel vulnerable, especially when I’m anxious.

So just tell me when you forget, tell me when you disappear - acknowledge these things and let me know you haven’t forgotten me, abandoned me. Tell me that you aren’t ignoring me with ill intent.

Just tell me you need space, or that you will remember tomorrow.

I’m not here to be angry with you. I don’t get upset because I’m mad, or because you’ve done something inexcusable.

I get upset because I don’t want to live without you in my life.
I don’t want you to forget me.

I’m trying really hard not to be sad. I’m trying really hard not to be scared. But I...

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 21:27:00 -0400

I’m trying really hard not to be sad. I’m trying really hard not to be scared.

But I really wish you’d just say something. More than anything, I miss you.

Where are you, and why aren’t you responding to me? I don’t understand when you...

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 10:55:38 -0400

Where are you, and why aren’t you responding to me?

I don’t understand when you disappear. I don’t understand when you choose not to say anything when I tell you I need you. I don’t understand when you’re not here for me…you’re supposed to be here for me.

I gave up the person I had so I could have you. And now you’re just choosing when it’s convenient to be available?

He was emotionally available, but physically unavailable. You’re emotionally unavailable, but physically available.

I preferred him more.

Letters I Won't Send XIII

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 22:21:11 -0400

I need you to be here with me; I don’t feel like myself, and you always brought me back somehow without even trying.

And for all your talk of not believing in love…well, you loved me best. The way you looked at me made me feel beautiful and wanted, the way you held me made me feel safe - like nothing could go wrong.

But now I’m lost and I’m lonely. I live in a world that at any moment feels like it might collapse around me, and I’m scared.

You never left me alone. You were always there.

I need to be with you.

Letters I Won't Send XII

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 19:28:17 -0400

Oh God I miss you so much.

Because of you....

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 12:37:49 -0400

Whenever I see a hot girl at the gym, I immediately hate her.

That can’t be healthy.

Call your girlfriend.

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 22:31:52 -0400

It’s time we had the talk - give your reasons, say it’s not my fault.

Because I’m waiting for it. I’m waiting to hear that all the cute, sweet things you’ve done for me, were just things you did to keep me around. That this isn’t how you were with your ex - that she was a real girlfriend to you. That you really loved her. But I’m just someone you’re killing time with - filling a gap while you wait for someone you can love.

And the longer I wait, the more ashamed I am of letting myself feel this way. The more I wonder if I should beat you to the punch line - call it off myself because you probably wouldn’t hurt to see me leave anyway.

You make it feel like you wouldn’t even care. That it wouldn’t even matter.

Is that true?

Because if it is, you need to just do it. Just end it. Don’t waste my emotions and unwravel the strings that hold me together, only to let me go on a whim.

And if it’s false, then do something. Make me feel something - anything. As I’ve silently begged you before,

Give me something to hold on to.

I just spent an hour on the phone with you.

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 00:27:29 -0400

So why do you feel so very far away?

Crash & Burn

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 19:57:26 -0400

Somebody please explain to me how I can be so good at understanding communication - how I can have the insight that I do - yet still be so incredibly terrible at doing it myself?

I get it - I get how important it is to tell someone how you feel, what you expect, what you want and need…I get that this is the foundation of a good relationship.

But I just can’t do it.

I can’t open my mouth and ask, “How do you feel about me?” I can’t look him in the eye and say, “I need you to do this - I want you to do this for me.”

I’m going to run my relationship into the ground, and I’m watching it happen. I’m driving a car straight for a cliff and I can’t bring myself to put my hands back on the fucking wheel.

I’m panicking.
And I’m going to crash.

She's a trusting soul - she's put her trust in you; but a girl like that won't tell you what you should do.

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 21:08:07 -0400

I can tell you want to be with me - at least, I think I can. I’m not sure that you love me though…I think you want to, but do you really?

Do you even know if you do?

You say things indirectly, mention the future in passing like it’s something taken for granted - like there’s no reason to think there isn’t a future. But that’s not necessarily enough, I don’t understand it when you talk that way because it doesn’t always seem reflected in your actions.

I want to believe you - I really do. And I want to stay with you and make this work. But first I need confirmation from you, first I need to know how you feel about me.
So please, just tell me.

“Tell her about it - tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason to accept that you’re for real
Tell her about it - tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her, let her know how much she means”

You're not sure that you love me, but you're not sure enough to let me go.

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 19:26:00 -0400

Just say it - say you don’t love me. Say you never did.

I never believed you anyway.

You were too good to be true - from day one and all the way through day two hundred eighty three.

And you constantly confuse me; pulling yourself in closer but still keeping me at arms length. I’ve never understood the hot and cold, and I’m not sure I ever wanted to. Denial was easier, ignorance was happier.

But I can’t do this anymore. I’m falling apart at the seams everywhere in life and you’re not helping me put the stitches back in as fast as they’re coming out.

Say it, cause baby, it ain’t fair to just keep me hanging ‘round.

“There’s nothing you can do or say - you’re gonna break my heart anyway…so just leave the pieces when you go.”

Time is hard to kill since I met you.

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 13:37:00 -0400

Time drives me insane - it makes me crazy. It always has, especially when I’m here. But with you…you make it worse.

I don’t get you in times like these. I told you I was going to call last night so you’d expect it; yet, when I called, you didn’t pick up. Or the next two times I tried. So I sent you a text, asking you to call me back when you got the chance, knowing you’d probably fallen asleep.

And what do I get today? A call? Even a text apologizing? No - I get nothing. And I don’t really understand why. Either you somehow missed my 3 calls and my text, you don’t have the presence of mind to say you saw them, or you’re dead.

Or…or you’re just plain ignoring me.

But right now, it doesn’t matter which of these reflects the truth - regardless of your reasoning, I’m going insane. The minutes I spend waiting for you, for work to start, for assignments to be due, for exams to come…every single minute of waiting for anything is excruciating. And I especially can’t stand waiting on you.

Why do you make it so hard to love you sometimes?

Letters I Won't Send XI

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 23:33:42 -0400

Seeing you again was the strangest thing. Meeting you in a parking lot - watching as your car pulled into a spot - and just knowing we were okay. Knowing we’re friends, that nothing will change it.

And your hugs are still the same - pulling me up into you and protecting me like the fortress that you are.

Your eyes still shine, too, just like they did before. You look at me and its with affection and love. You smile and I feel safe…nothing can touch me when you’re smiling at me that way.

I’m not sure what it is about you - but I know it’s not our recent history or secrets. It’s always been there, since the moment I first turned to you for help. Since the moment you asked me if I was all right. And that’s almost six years of selflessness - of love and caring and taking the time to see me through good times and bad times.

It’s been a long time since I was in love with you, and even now I know I’m not. Sitting across from you, I realized that as an absolute fact. And yet, despite having fallen out of love with you and left us in the past, there is still the unshakable bond we’ve always had.

I’ve known for years that there’s something different about us, and I still don’t know what exactly that is. But I feel it when your eyes are riveted to my face, when your arms slide around my waist and pull me into you.

We love each other.
For always and forever.

What is going on.

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 23:20:22 -0400

I don’t understand this anymore.

For as much as I don’t feel sad…I’m still depressed. How does that work? I’m still unmotivated, down-hearted, and lonely. All I want to do is sleep - all I want is to go home.

But I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel like crying.

Instead I feel like screaming because this apathy is too much to bear. I want to feel something - anything at this point. Isn’t crying better than this nothingness, than this numbness?

I feel like a ghost.

Do you know what I want?

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 13:07:00 -0400

I want you. For the rest of my life.

I want to go to bed beside you and wake up there the next morning. And I want to be there when you come home from work. I want to be the one who stops you from eating unnecessary candy bars at midnight and I want to be the one you call when you’re irritated by something. I want to be your wife - I want your kids and your life, and to share a home with you.

I want to build my life with you.

And to be honest, I’m not sure why. You don’t blow me away - you don’t treat me like a princess and you’re not starry-eyed in love with me. But somehow, you’re still the one I want. It doesn’t make sense to me, and it scares me because I’m the type of person who likes logic and explanations.

So I refuse to leave your side, even when its hard and I wonder if I should. I don’t go, and that pattern will continue.

Because I plan to stay with you.

It's driving me nuts. I have to know.

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 21:56:30 -0400

How long were you with her? Did you see her at all after you met me? Why did you end it? Have you talked about it since?

Where do I fit in?

And I know I have to ask you at least some of these questions, but I don’t know how. And I’m terrified not of your answers…but of the way you’ll react to my questions.

It’s strange because it’s not much of a surprise that there’s another girl from your past - there always is another one. But something is just bugging me about her…maybe it’s because she was right before me. I need to ask you about her.

I’m so scared. But I have to know.

I’m going insane.

I can feel it. I can feel that I'm losing it - that I'm about to crack.

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 21:22:00 -0400

When it’ll happen - when, where, and why - I don’t know. But it will.

I just need a break. I need to be left alone without being lonely, and I need room to breathe and think and calm down because I’m just one mess of pent up anxiety, worry, nervous excitement, and stress.

Maybe it’ll be at work, trying to help someone who doesn’t understand what 10 divided by 3 is, or listening to a student tell me their life story as if my job is to be their therapist.
Maybe it’ll be in the lab, trying to put together a piece of equipment I’ve never seen, or thinking up words for a presentation on a topic I don’t understand.
Maybe it’ll be in class trying to deal with peers who irritate me - who get in my personal bubble and don’t give me the space I need.
Maybe it’ll be in a professor’s office as I try to determine a future I’m not sure I want to have at this point - a future so uncertain that it terrifies me to my core.
Maybe it’ll be in his arms when I get home - all my insecurities flooding in at once and causing an explosion of emotion in my heart.
Maybe it’ll be when I’m sitting across a table from the friend I haven’t been with in over a year - the one person who’s always provided me with the safety and comfort I seek right now.

And I have no idea what to expect when it happens - overwhelming fear? grief? anger? Crying, screaming, numbness? Will I wish I were dead? Or will I finally be released from all this bottled up pain?

I have no idea. And I’m afraid. Every moment that goes by is like the ticking of a bomb and I’m waiting for it to go off. I’m waiting for the stomach-dropping, heart-wrenching explosion of unknown feelings.

I’m waiting.

And I wonder down the line - when both of us are fine - yeah, my mind wanders there sometimes.

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 20:34:00 -0400

It’ll have been one year - one year since we argued, since I endured your silence, your frustration and worry.

And I wondered then if we’d ever find it again - ever find the friendship, honesty, trust…the open love we had for each other. Because we risked it all for that year of dangerous fun, all the secrets I swore I’d never tell. And you told me - you promised me - that we would one day get back to normal.

Maybe that day is here.

Because when I asked you today if I could see you next week, my hands trembled as I opened your message in response. But, instead of the novels of uncertainty and hesitancy and no’s…instead, only one word stared back at me:

“Sure!”

The tears in my eyes…for the first time in months, they were tears of relief - of happiness.

There’s still the possibility that you’ll back out, that when the moment comes to pick a day, to pick a time, that you’ll tell me you can’t - that you shouldn’t. It could still happen.

We lied to each other for that year, and we’ve lied to each other for this past year as well. We were never meant to be apart or separate - there’s something inherently perfect about us.

And I’m praying, believing that we’ll get that back. I want it so much - need it so desperately. You’ve always been there when no one else was, when I’ve been alone and afraid.

I might need you to be that person for me again soon.