I waited for your call, but it didn’t come. And I wasn’t mad, not even upset really - I felt better after texting with you briefly this morning. You’d acknowledged your disappearance, and you said you were all right.
And finally, tonight, you text me:
Then your next text:
“I forgot to call you….”
But that’s exactly where you’re wrong. Yes, I noticed that you forgot. Yes, I wanted to talk to you. But you acknowledged that you’d forgotten - that’s what’s important to me. I don’t expect you to be perfect, I don’t expect you to always remember, all of the time.
I just need the reassurance, because I go insane. I always do with everything these days. And the worst part is…I know it.
The only thing worse than being insane, is knowing you’re insane - because you know it, but you can’t stop it, even though you know it’s unwarranted and irrational.
You want so much to be normal, but you just can’t figure out how.
And so I don’t get angry with you; in fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever been angry with you. The only anger I’ve ever felt directed toward you, was anger that I put in the place of insecurity and fear.
Because it’s easier to feel angry than afraid. Anger has control, fear does not - fear is vulnerable.
I don’t like to feel vulnerable, especially when I’m anxious.
So just tell me when you forget, tell me when you disappear - acknowledge these things and let me know you haven’t forgotten me, abandoned me. Tell me that you aren’t ignoring me with ill intent.
Just tell me you need space, or that you will remember tomorrow.
I’m not here to be angry with you. I don’t get upset because I’m mad, or because you’ve done something inexcusable.
I get upset because I don’t want to live without you in my life.
I don’t want you to forget me.
I’m trying really hard not to be sad. I’m trying really hard not to be scared.
But I really wish you’d just say something. More than anything, I miss you.
Where are you, and why aren’t you responding to me?
I don’t understand when you disappear. I don’t understand when you choose not to say anything when I tell you I need you. I don’t understand when you’re not here for me…you’re supposed to be here for me.
I gave up the person I had so I could have you. And now you’re just choosing when it’s convenient to be available?
He was emotionally available, but physically unavailable. You’re emotionally unavailable, but physically available.
I preferred him more.
I need you to be here with me; I don’t feel like myself, and you always brought me back somehow without even trying.
And for all your talk of not believing in love…well, you loved me best. The way you looked at me made me feel beautiful and wanted, the way you held me made me feel safe - like nothing could go wrong.
But now I’m lost and I’m lonely. I live in a world that at any moment feels like it might collapse around me, and I’m scared.
You never left me alone. You were always there.
I need to be with you.
Oh God I miss you so much.
Whenever I see a hot girl at the gym, I immediately hate her.
That can’t be healthy.
It’s time we had the talk - give your reasons, say it’s not my fault.
Because I’m waiting for it. I’m waiting to hear that all the cute, sweet things you’ve done for me, were just things you did to keep me around. That this isn’t how you were with your ex - that she was a real girlfriend to you. That you really loved her. But I’m just someone you’re killing time with - filling a gap while you wait for someone you can love.
And the longer I wait, the more ashamed I am of letting myself feel this way. The more I wonder if I should beat you to the punch line - call it off myself because you probably wouldn’t hurt to see me leave anyway.
You make it feel like you wouldn’t even care. That it wouldn’t even matter.
Is that true?
Because if it is, you need to just do it. Just end it. Don’t waste my emotions and unwravel the strings that hold me together, only to let me go on a whim.
And if it’s false, then do something. Make me feel something - anything. As I’ve silently begged you before,
Give me something to hold on to.
So why do you feel so very far away?